In Defense of Illusion

No matter where you go, you are what you are player.

And you can try to change, but that’s just the top layer.

Jay-Z

Acceptance is hard. This is particularly true if you haven’t quite achieved it yet. The journey is grueling, and the destination is likely even worse, or so it seems while you’re in the middle of the trip.

My journey in pursuit of acceptance lasted a long time, a lifetime even. It’s been a long, strange, striking trip. And I’d like to think it’s over now.

I’d like to think that as I sit here, in the most discomfort my privileged life has afforded me to date, that I am putting the final nail in the dinosaur-sized coffin that is my collective denial. Good riddance.

My journey in pursuit of acceptance took me to a lot of the same places, with a lot of the same problems. It’s been a repetitive, redundant exercise. And I’d like to think that it’s over now.

I’d like to think that as I plan out tomorrow and beyond, in sheer uncertainty over whether to goal set with pencil or pen, that I am putting one step in front of the other to walk away from the closet-sized ecosystem that is my existence. Goodbye.

My journey in pursuit of acceptance cost me a lot, nearly everything even. It’s been a taxing, indulgent, big-ticket affair. And I’d like to think it’s over now.

I’d like to think that as I throw caution to the wind, and wine to the curb, that I am putting the right priorities forward in this who-the-fuck-knows-what-will-happen future that is all I have. God help me.

This journey in pursuit of acceptance ripped me out of a life in a city and tore me out of a city full of life. It picked me up, carried me, and dropped me …

… in Reno.

If there is a hell on earth, I’m sure Reno isn’t it. Nevertheless, it’s assuredly not where I thought I would be a year ago, even a month ago. But life works that way. The journey is real. One day you wake up in Reno. Everything is different. Everything is the same. A prison of your own making.

Welcome to your life in Reno.

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