A Story of Insane, Rapacious Need

“MORE”

Through [fear, greed, and the desire for power], you misinterpret every situation, leading to misguided action designed to rid you of fear and satisfy your need for more, a bottomless hole that can never be filled.

Eckhart Tolle

Hello. My name is Natalie. For context: Me/Mine/More.

Wanting more is a bottomless hole, indeed. I should know. I am in pursuit of this mythical, illusive more. I am decades into the chase, and still, to this day, it evades me at every turn.

The pursuit is never-ending, and unrelenting. It sucks everything from me, everything I think I have and am, all those who I love and will love, the past and the future that I hold dear, because – by definition – my obsession with more cannot exist alongside myself which is less.

The ego identifies with having, but its satisfaction in having is a relatively shallow and short-lived one. Concealed within it remains a deep-seated sense of dissatisfaction, of incompleteness, of ‘not enough.’ ‘I don’t have enough yet,’ by which the ego really means, ‘I am not enough yet.’

Eckhart Tolle

Precisely. But before I go on, now seems like a good time to really introduce myself.

Wikipedia

It’s nice to meet you. Again, I’m Natalie.

I don’t know what you’re thinking after reading that, but whatever it is – about me, specifically – it will invariably come to define how I view myself. So let’s hope it was positive. Let’s go with that for now.

Some of you know me already.

How you are seen by others becomes the mirror that tells you what you are like and who you are …. You need others to give you a sense of self ….

Eckhart Tolle

Some of you know me very well. Based on my pathology, there are people who can smell me from miles away. I apparently attract sociopaths, narcissists, borderlines like it’s nobody’s business. There’s no judgment. Our clusters are, after all, quite close. We are separated by a single step in the alphabet – mine further in the linear progression. If that matters. It does to me, and if you’re a member of this club it likely will to you, too.

But irrespective of my opinion, we Bs and Cs need one another. What would we do without? I need you as much as you need me, and when I fall apart, we fall apart. In that terrible cycle, back and forth, we thrive survive.

I am entirely self-aware of my affliction. Maybe not in the moments that count, in the immediacy of events that matter. But certainly soon thereafter and for an agonizing amount of time to follow. That doesn’t mean, though, that anything changes.

This narrative in my mind churns continuously, endlessly, over the course of minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades. There are core messages, sure, the precise content of which is irrelevant here. Suffice it to say, the message is active, proactive, and accurate. It is designed to support the unalienable truth that I am not enough. I have never been enough. I will never be enough.

And this single thought multiples and projects, creating a wonderful and tragic kaleidoscope of insecurity and self-doubt.

Pixabay, dp 792 / 73

Care to take a look? We are kind, empathetic souls. We are beautiful to observe, even more so to experience. But we are a nightmare to clean up if you drop us. We always break if you drop us. There are pieces everywhere. We always break. There are pieces everywhere.

But we are not entirely naive, not wholly unprepared. We know what’s coming, at any moment, because we are always aware – acutely aware – of the ephemeral nature of that which sustains us: you. Once you doubt, we wither. Once you deny, we withdrawal. Once you leave, we lose. Once you are gone, so are we.

And this is our collective dilemma, our “collective delusion.”

[I]f you cannot look through this collective delusion, you will be condemned to chasing after things for the rest of your life in the vain hope of finding your worth and completion of your sense of self there.

Eckhart Tolle

This is true. I’ve had a lifetime of chasing. All in vain.

If my worth is measured by those who know me, which it always is, then we’re talking the culmination of a short conversation. I remind myself of this every day, because it’s what I’ve heard, it’s what I’ve seen, it’s what I’ve lived. And little of it is true. I know this.

The only way forward, for me, is to trash my personal narrative, silence my inner thoughts, fire my external support system. I must go this alone.

When I fail, if I fail, I will know it is because I was not good enough. But when I succeed, if I succeed, it will be because I was good enough. It will be because – and spoken like a true codependent – I was the only bottomless hole from which I needed to climb out.

Rangárþing eystra, Iceland

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